For fear and hope of love and loss
by Lae Bevin
Summary: Remus J. Lupin was a young man of 20 when he was owled for a meeting with the Council for Magical Law of the Ministy of Magic.


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Disclaimer: No, I don't own anything that seems familiar to you. But, Lae Bevin's my character, thank you very much. 

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Author's notes: Not necessarily a songfic. But this one contains lyrics to Evanescence's song "My Immortal". Angsty tear-jerker! And sorry, I dont have a title to the whole thing. It's an addition to the series I started with "Of Wizards and Faeries". And yes, the Leanan Sidhe is an inspirational faery that is rumored to be lurking in the Irish shores and also roams the Isle of Man sometimes when she's looking for an artist to prey on. And yes, she is believed to be deadly. I've twisted up some stuff... 

**__**

~ * ~ * ~

For fear of loss 

Barty Crouch stood up and straightened out his robes. He searched his mind for the right questions to ask but it seemed like he had run out of things to clarify with the young man sitting before him and the council.

"Perhaps it would be a good idea to let Mr. Lupin go for the moment. I fairly believe he has had enough questioning for today." 

An old yet respectable man with long silvery white hair and beard suggested. Crouch looked at the right end of the long table. 

"I think you're right, Professor Dumbledore." 

He said. He looked at the other wizards and witches who joined him at the table. 

"If no one else in the committee has questions…" he waited. No one spoke nor moved. "Very well then, Mr. Lupin. We'll send you an owl if we ever need to question you more." 

He walked towards the young man. He looked as if he wanted to shake the man's hand but withdrew his hands just as he was about to extend it. 

"Thank you for the information, Mr. Lupin." He said. 

The man stood up and turned to the other wizards and witches in front of him. He bowed to them, for politeness sake, and stopped at the end to catch a cheerful smile from his former Headmaster. 

"We hope we weren't much of a bother to your time, Remus." 

Dumbledore said before Lupin turned to leave. 

"Not at all, Professor. I'm willing to help in any way I can." 

He forced a smile and walked out of the room.

Remus J. Lupin was a young man of 20 when he was owled for a meeting with the Council for Magical Law of the Ministy of Magic. He wasn't even a fully-grown man – so to speak. He just stepped out of his youth, for crying out loud. He just graduated from Hogwarts. 

Yet there he was, walking out of a room where the future of the Wizarding world (not to mention the Muggle world) was being discussed. 

He didn't have to go through this, though he was half-expecting this for the past years. At least not alone. But he was. Alone.

He used to be surrounded by friends. His best friends. But all of them are gone. Most fled, for reasons until now he doesn't know. Some of them dead. And one, _just_ almost. 

Three years ago his girl best friend left them. Faded away, _he painfully remembered_. She was a leanhaun sidhe, an inspirational death faery, and she had to fulfill her destiny – as horrifying as that sounds. 

His guy best friend has never been the same afterwards. 

For they, his two best friends, were in love. And their love could've survived if it hadn't been for the more recent happenings. 

Sirius Black, his best friend, was captured and imprisoned without a trial exactly a year ago. Case? Murder and Treason. Of his other two best friends, Lily and James Potter. Although Sirius wasn't the real murderer of Lily and James, Remus could consider him just that. For Sirius, _did_ kill Lily and James. He handed them to the Voldermort. He was the Dark Lord's spy. And Remus was too blind to see. 

His other best friend, Peter Pettigrew, died in the hands of Sirius Black. Yes – he has gone mad. Mad because of the Dark Magic seeping through his veins. 

"I failed to see what was happening. I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry, Lily. I wasn't able to protect Harry." 

He walked away from Godric's Hollow. He promised himself he would go back there, each year, at the same day, to ask for forgiveness. 

__

I am guilty of your murder as well. I wasn't quick enough to notice what was happening. 

* * * 

Lupin woke up the next morning to find an owl sitting on his legs, a letter carried in its beak. The owl flew out of the window just as he opened the letter. No doubt it was from Dumbledore. He was being called for a meeting at Hogwarts. 

__

As if the guilt for Lily and James death wasn't enough.

He apparated to Hogsmeade and catched a carriage to Hogwarts. He walked into the oak doors and walked as fast as he could to the Headmaster's office. He didn't need to stop. He was all too familiar with the directions. The many times he was invited there, how could he forget? 

Good thing it was the holidays. At least he didn't have to run into anyone who knew him. 

Then it hit him. 

The memory of his one true love. Who was gone. _Like everyone else._ He would _never_ see her again. 

The meeting was to ask him if he wanted to reconsider the Defence against the Dark Arts teaching position Dumbledore had offered him after graduation. Remus declined. Not wanting to come back to Hogwarts at once. And be intoxicated by memories once again. At least not now. 

"Perhaps some time in the future, Headmaster." 

He had answered respectfully. 

"I understand, Remus. It was inconsiderate of me to even ask at this sort of times. I only hoped you would want to get your mind off things. My apologies." 

He went back to his house, walked into his sitting room, in search of the potion that he concocted for himself. Dreamless Sleep potion – he took some every time he cradled himself into bed. 

But a visitor was awaiting him. 

"Lae?" 

He walked further into the room and saw his girl best friend sitting on a couch by the fire. 

"Yeah. Who else?"

But she didn't look like Lae Bevin, the tall redhead with sea-colored eyes who had that air of freshness, at all. In fact, the woman was quite different. If not for his strong ability to smell the emotions of people, he wouldn't have recognised the woman gazing into the fire.

"How --- Why --- How come you're here?"

"Don't worry. I'm not preying on you." She said with a smile. She _is _Lae. "Mind if I take this off? It's killing me." 

She asked him. And he shook his head. She stood up and took off her cloak. 

Remus stood back with a gasp. She obviously came to see him in a rush. She was still in her faery clothing – grey and stripped in most areas. It wasn't that she was weird. In fact, she was even more beautiful than before. Enchanting even. _Unearthly. Deadly._

"I came to ask for a favor."

"Oh."

"Take care of Sirius for me."

"Oh… Damn."

He looked at her eyes – which were still a faint shade green. 

"Please. I am begging." 

She moved closer to him but he could not move. He didn't want to move actually. There was a strong urge to just move closer and kiss her. 

__

It's her enchantment, Remus. Don't. It's Lae, idiot. 

"And you have to give me this favor because I had to cast several charms and spells just to --"

"I can't."

She just stared at him for about five seconds, to recover from the shock of his answer. 

"Wow! Talk about -- "

"He's not here."

"I would be flaring if he already was." 

There was a hint of sarcasm in her voice. 

An awkward silence followed, wherein they stood before each other, just looking – _staring _- at each other, waiting for someone to speak up.

He couldn't say anything. He didn't want her to know where Sirius was. It was unfair to him that he had to tell Lae where Sirius was. It was just unfair to break even more hearts than he already had. He didn't need this kind of injustice. Not from his friends at least. 

She couldn't say anything. For fear that she had lost her great love to someone else. For fear that he had runaway to forget her. For fear that her love wasn't strong enough to withstand this insane immortality.

"Where is he?" Still, she dared to break the unbearable silence.

"Azkaban." He answered almost instantly. 

"Oh." She didn't exactly know how to react. She didn't even know if she _wanted_ to react.

"So what else happened when I assumed death faery nature?" 

Remus was surprised she was taking this so lightly. Lae surprised even herself. It wasn't like her to be this casual. _Damn the faery._

"James and Lily."

"Got married. I know. I was there. Didn't Black -- "

"Were murdered."

"Oh."

Damn. 

"Who's the bastard _or bitch_ responsible. Voldemort I pressume?" She couldn't decide whether she was angry or surprised or depressed. 

"Yes. But Sirius became a spy after Hogwarts. For almost a year. Until James and Lily's death"

"Oh."

It was more painful to say it out loud. A flaming sensation passed through his tongue and mouth. Just to say that Sirius _was_ the spy. 

"Good. Now we're both murderers."

Damn you. _Damn you!! _

"Sorry." 

She tore her eyes away from his for the first time since they started the conversation. She picked up her cloak and put it back on. 

"Where are you going?"

"Prey."

"You're really a full grown death faery now, huh?"

"That was a joke, Remus." She smiled at him. 

And Lae Bevin showed herself once again tonight. Remus' smile was quickly replaced. 

"Oh. Where are you going then?"

"Azkaban." 

She walked closer to him. She handed over a vial. "I also came for one more thing. Drink this." 

He looked at the vial – which most probably contained potion. 

"My dad made it. Protection against creatures like me. The faeries are furious at my family. Reckon they're coming after wizards now. Vindictive, my mum's lot. They want to start out with my friends. The Dark Lord beat them to James. And I'd like to find out how they're to make their way into Azkaban."

She looked at Remus once again. He wasn't skeptical at all. And it wasn't a surprise. But she knew he was thinking. "Sorry about that remark again." She placed her hand inside her cloak and pulled out another vial. 

"And here's another one. For Peter."

"Dead as well."

"Oh." _Damn. _

Remus examined the color of the potion. It was similar to Lae's colors when she assumed butterfly form. Lae looked at Remus and hesitated for a moment before asking. 

"Voldemort?"

"Sirius."

He pulled out the cork and looked at the vial before drinking everything in it. He could feel warmth through his body – like drinking butterbeer. But there was a hint of passion and lust yet sated desire was present as well. Like bittersweet, angsty, and depressing love. 

"I'm sorry, Remus."

"For what?"

"This visit."

"I needed this."

"You are not alone."

He remembered they almost had the same ability to smell people. 

"Yes I am." She didn't know how to argue on that one.

"What else do you call this?"

Even at a silence as the one that enveloped them, their ears were thumping with the noise from their souls. 

"You faded to your destiny--"

"I had to."

"Sirius was never the same. He kept himself distant!

"That's my fault."

"We graduated and the girls disappeared into Merlin knows where! And I was left on my own to lament on my unrequited feelings for Gin!"

He paused for a moment. But he wasn't finished yet. Lae's father had said something about an aftershock/side effect. Obviously, it was taking effect.

"Peter went back to his family. Lily and James were killed and Sirius… Sirius was brought to _that_ wasteland! Who else is here for me, Lae, tell me? 

"There are still many people out there, Remus."

"Nobody knows who I really am, Lae. Everybody else who does is disgusted with me. Afraid of me. No one else… no one else is left for me. Sirius was the only one -- "

"Who loved you as a brother and looked past your short-comings --"

"We were the only ones left. And now he's gone. And I am alone."

"It wont be long, Remus. I'll come back. It's only a matter of time."

"How long though? How long, Lae? How long before… before… everything goes back to the way they used to be?" 

He fell silent for a moment. She dared to ask. 

"How long till Gin comes back?"

"Yes... how long?"

He was exasperated. Tired to move on. Because he just didn't see the reason to.

"I don't know."

**__**

~ * ~ * ~ 

For hope of love 

A dementor glided past his cell for the nth time tonight. It wasn't a secret that he was now the most guarded prisoner of Azkaban. And for what? 

Not a single damned thing.

They have the wrong man. He was innocent. _He was innocent._ Although in his mind, he wasn't.

__

I handed them over to death. I shouldn't have told James to switch to Peter. I did kill Lily and James. 

The Magical world rejoices as the world is saved from the evil that might have erupted if Voldermort wasn't stopped that night Lily and James died but Harry Potter lived. 

But, alas, the true treacherous spy lives on and an innocent man is faced with something worse than death.

__

I might as well lose my mind. 

They were sucking the happiness out of him. If ever there was some left.

A different dementor stood in front of his cell. His Hogwarts memories flooded his mind. 

Someone outside his cell window was flying overhead. She peered into the dark cell and saw a young man cramped onto one corner of the cell. Cradling himself to comfort. Crying for help. She turned her head to see a dark-hooded figure standing outside the bars. _Soulless fiend. _

Tears ran down her cheeks as she looked at the man again. It has only been three years since she last saw him. But the years seemed to drift away more quickly inside wizard prison.

He was scared. Scared like a child. And he wanted desperately to get out of the hell he was in. He was screaming for help. But nobody heard him. No mortal, that is. No one but an immortal death faery.

He lifted his face to look outside the window. A full moon was dawning on him. Miles away from him, he knew that a friend needed help. He had to shout as the memories were being forced out of his mind. He had to fight it. 

__

And no dementor is going to take the memories of my friends away. 

He locked his memories safely into his soul. He was a powerful wizard, damn it. He wouldn't allow the injustice to happen to him.

She reached for him but forced herself to stop at arm's length. She stood on the opposite side of the cell, and watched him cry out in pain and suffering. 

Suddenly, he felt that damned presence again. He looked at the direction where she was standing but didn't see anything. 

"Leave me be!" he shouted. 

Her tears flowed out of her eyes more. It was the first time she heard him say it like that, like he meant it. 

"Leave me be, you witch! Stay away from me!" 

He shouted once more. She inched nearer but hesitated in the end. 

"You said goodbye once. And twice… now leave me be!" 

Guilt surfaced. Her worst nightmare was realised. She did this to him. She ruined him.

She closed her eyes and heard his soul.

__

"I'm so tired of being here - suppressed by all of my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.

"These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. And I've held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.

"You used to captivate me by your resonating light. But now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.

"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. And though you're still with me, I've been alone all along…"

There was more. But she has heard enough. 

She opened her eyes and dropped on the floor. She tried so hard to fight the tears but they just wouldn't stop. 

He was in so much pain – but she couldn't do anything. And she was even adding fuel to the flame. He could feel her presence. And it was too much for him. He could feel her there, with him. And it didn't bring joy as she thought it would. 

She was being selfish to him. She needed to see him, needed to see if he was alright. And if she saw that he wasn't alright, she wanted to be there, to take care of him. But she was doing the opposite. She was hurting him more. 

"Just go away… go away…" 

His voice was dropping. He was losing his senses. But he was fighting to keep her away. 

"Don't you understand? I don't need you here anymore! You can't help me! Leave!" He shouted. 

And with the final drop of his energy, the room was illuminated by a blinding light, which accompanied a force so strong it blew her out of her cell, and into flight. 

She hovered for a few minutes and watched as more dementors crowded around him. He curled up in pain and lay motionless in no time. 

She looked away and flew out of sight. 

**__**

~ * ~ * ~

Morning broke and she was decided. It was time to bare his child.

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Author's Note: Review? J LaEnAn_DeVnEt_BeViN J 


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